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    You are here Home » coaching

    The Truth Doesn’t Have to Hurt

    Last updated on Nov 20, 2014 by Dan McCarthy · This post may contain affiliate links

    Guest post from Deb Bright:

     

    Here
    it is the end of the year. You are feeling pretty good about how things are
    going in general but you have trepidations about giving some people their
    annual review. As you probably appreciate, you are not alone. In fact your boss
    likely feels the same way about giving you your annual review. For everyone
    knows and expects that at least some negatives will come up during their review
    session. Only the masochists among us look forward to being put on the carpet
    for things they have done wrong over the year! 

    Let’s
    face it, just about everyone hates criticism – it’s the least sought after form
    of human communication.  But, criticism
    doesn’t have to be all that bad. As a matter of fact, current research on the
    subject shows that the more one learns about how to give and receive criticism,
    the more they come to discover that it can open doors to the achievement of
    personal goals and successes never dreamed possible.  By understanding a few skills involving criticism,
    whether as a giver or receiver, it can become a significant asset towards your
    personal success as a leader or manager. Once you learn some tenets on how to
    give it so others actually welcome it, or how to accept it as a form of self-advancement,
    you will know more than just about anyone you come in contact with. You might
    even come to consider it a kind of personal competitive edge.

    The
    discomfort associated with criticism is understandable.  Besides conveying something negative, the
    stress associated with criticism is heightened when givers are not prepared and
    deliver a poorly constructed message highly subject to misinterpretation and
    challenge.  For receivers, they too often
    are stressed because they aren't sure whether the intent of the criticism is to
    help, hurt, rattle their self-confidence, or set them up for a fall.

    The
    source of our discomfort with it can be traced to the fact that mostly all of
    us never developed the skills necessary to ensure that the criticism we give is
    received as intended. As receivers we lack the skills of looking for what is
    potentially helpful rather than what is argumentative.  

    Because
    we lack the necessary skills, mistakes in handling criticism are plentiful for
    both givers and receivers. Perhaps one of the biggest mistakes that givers make
    is that they “call it as they see it.” 
    These are what I refer to as “Quick Draw" givers because their
    approach is based on an emotional reaction with little thought given to the
    consequences of their delivery. Consequently, they tend to alienate more than
    they motivate.  They overlook the fact
    that once they open their mouth, the control shifts to the receiver who decides
    how to interpret what's been said and likely takes a defensive position that is
    of benefit to neither party.

    So
    to avoid being a Quick Draw giver, it's important to recognize that your
    control lies in proper preparation.  This
    involves considering such things as how to express the criticism (tone of
    voice), when (timing), where (privately is best), and by whom (in bounds of
    your relationship). What's required is always making these preparatory
    considerations a matter of habit aka - “thinking before you speak.”

    Feeling
    uncomfortable when giving criticism is natural. 
    It's what you do with that uncomfortable feeling that can result in yet
    another common mistake.  With or without
    your awareness you may try to regain that sense of comfort by taking to the
    limits such biblical platitudes as “do unto others as you would have them do
    unto you,” or “treat others the way you want to be treated.” What this implies
    is that you give criticism to others the way you would like to receive it.  So, you adopt an “All About Me” approach when
    delivering criticism.  This “All About
    Me” approach to giving criticism has the wrong focus.

    Your
    goal is not to be comfortable when giving criticism; rather, the goal is to be
    effective.  You need to step outside
    yourself and factor in what you understand to be the receiver's preferences and
    needs.  When you do this, you are putting
    aside the “All About Me” approach and practicing a more appropriate adage that
    says, “treat others the way they want or need to be treated.”  This mindset is what you need to adopt in
    order to have your message heard.  There
    should never be any guessing about how best to approach someone you work closely
    with or – all the more so – someone who is significant in your life!

    Receivers
    need to make givers feel comfortable during the criticism exchange. What many
    receivers all too often overlook is the fact that most givers don’t like giving
    criticism and they have likely never been trained in properly giving
    criticism.  Instead of trying to work
    with givers, the “I’m Being Attacked” receivers instantly become defensive,
    fire off questions, and become argumentative. These receivers fail to see that
    making givers uncomfortable is likely to eliminate what could be an important
    opportunity in their development and, over time, givers will shut down and put
    the need to say something to them at the bottom of their to-do list. 

    There
    are two main things that receivers can do to make givers feel comfortable. First,
    the receiver should avoid interrupting the giver immediately and let them
    finish what they have to say. Secondly, the receiver really needs to listen
    carefully to what the giver is saying or trying to say. When the criticism is
    being delivered, receivers need to keep in mind that most givers have not been
    educated in giving criticism and can easily come across awkwardly and be
    careless about what is said. Rather than immediately taking a defensive stance,
    receivers need to ask questions with the intent of trying to understand whether
    the giver is really trying to be helpful and whether there is any potential
    value in what the giver is saying. 

    Working
    on these tips and sharing them with those in your workplace is a great start
    toward making sure that messages come across as intended and that receivers
    find benefit in what’s said.

    Deb Bright, Ed.D., is the author
    of The
    Truth Doesn’t Have to Hurt
    (AMACOM; Sept 2014). She is also founder and
    president of Bright Enterprises, Inc., a consulting firm devoted to enhancing
    performance. Her roster of clients includes Raytheon, Marriott, Disney, GE,
    Chase, Morgan Stanley, and other premier organizations. Follow her blog at drdebbright.wordpress.com
    « Your Leadership Legacy is About the People you Leave Behind
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